Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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