if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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