i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
