Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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