Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Randomize