At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
