That's when you crack a 10am beer
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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