she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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