Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
