You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
