i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize