Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
