Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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