So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
