Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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