Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
