I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
