Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
