I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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