After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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