Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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