I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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