If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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