I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize