Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
