there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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