i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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