my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
