Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
