I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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