I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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