Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
