I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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