Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
