I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
she smelled like a LAN party
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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