Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
