I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
