Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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