is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
