why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
