somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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