Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
