i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
