You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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