Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
