I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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