we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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