The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I love you. Go after that dick
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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