I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I can't put those talents on a resume
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Congratulations! We have a period
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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