I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I should be sponsored by Trojan
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
