she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
two words...techno handjob
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
My penis needs a shock collar
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
