It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize