she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
