either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
