I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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