So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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