I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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