So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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