I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
