Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
