# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The ass gains better be worth it
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