I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
